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Thursday, August 2nd, 2001
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7:39 am - LJ Change
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There's a kid named rob harassing me...so i'm changing my journal and my aol to:
m2ul0c0ah3y
sorry 4 the inconvenience but thanks and i love you.
current music: five for fighting - superman
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(comment on this)
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| Tuesday, July 31st, 2001
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10:41 pm
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I love you. Ian, Andrea, Anj, Chris, Erin, Mike. Thank you. I love you. You are my best friends.
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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| Monday, July 30th, 2001
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9:38 pm - Emiller200: you know that in your head, you just have to make your heart believe it
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Started to talk to him. Told him we couldn't do stuff anymore. That if I meant it and he didn't then we shouldn't be doing anything at all. He said he understood...that it was ok. I reinforced that I love him dearly as a friend, and that I never want that to change.
I know that what he's doing is wrong, but I love the closeness. It's like, for the short time that we're together, I feel so good, so close to him, so loved by him. But then I feel like shit all the other times when he's....out.
I just want him to love me.
"I love the way you love, but I hate the way I'm supposed to love you back."
::Sarah::
current mood: heartbroken
current music: silverchair
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5:01 pm - Self esteem, where are you hiding?
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1. What time is it? 4:47
2. Name as it appears on your birth certificate: Sarah Elise Mulcahy
2a. other previous legal names: um....Sarah Elise Patricia Mulcahy...my full name, including my confirmation name!
3. Nicknames? Say-rah, Rara
5. Number of candles on your last birthday cake: 2...I had the ones with the numbers....but I'm 16
6. Date that you regularly blow them out: Feb. 27
7. Pets: cats - smudge and gregory /\ dog - riley
8. Height: 5'1
9. Eye color: hazel
10. Hair color: brown
11. Piercings: 3 in left ear, 2 in right ear
12. Tattoos: none
13. How much do you love your job: my volunteer job is amazing
14. Birthplace: newton-wellesley
15. Current residence: Natick, MA
17. Been to Europe: CANADA
18. Been toilet papering: no
19. Been toilet papered: no
20. Loved somebody so much it made you cry? oh shut up
21. Been in a car crash? no, but i've been in a numbe of close calls
22. Croutons or bacon bits? bacon bits
23. Doors on car: 4
24. Coffee or ice cream? ice cream
25. Blanket or stuffed Animal? blanket
26. Dumper or dumpee? shut up
27. Salad dressing? i like my salad naked
28. Color of socks? rainbow
29. Lucky number(s)? 25, 27
30. Place to be kissed? lips, neck. n e c k ! !
31. Movie? Milo and Otis
32. Quote from a movie: "pay it forward"
33. Food: spaghetti, micky dees fries
34. Day of the Week: in summer, monday, in school, friday
36. TV Show: saved by the bell
37. Toothpaste: colgate...that reminds me
38. Restaurants: vinny testa's
39. Flowers: carnations!!!
40. Least Favorite Thing(s): heartache
41. Sport to watch: soccer...on the spanish channel, with the volume turned down low
42. Fast food restaurant: Micky D's
43. When was your last hospital visit? when i broke my hand hurdling freshman year
44. Favorite drink: chocolate milk...and apple juice
45. What color is your bedroom carpet: grey...faded blue, actually
46. How many times did you fail your permit and/or drivers test? none
47. What do you think of Ouija boards? if they say what i want them to, then i love them
48. Where do you see yourself in 10 years? working with my kids...in love...happy
49. Who is the last person you got e-mail from before this? it was a porn email
50. Have you ever been convicted of a crime? not convicted...have i comitted one? yes
51. Which store would you choose to max your credit on? urban outfitters
52. What do you do when you are bored? aol, singing, going out
53. What words or phrases do you overuse? "YA i do!"
54. Friend who lives farthest away? timmy...no, wait, ian...no wait, erin
56. Best thing? to be happy....i'll take content...to be true to yourself...hugs
57. Bedtime? early
58. Who will respond to this fastest? don't care (no offense)
59. Who is least likely to respond at all? everyone
60. What time is it now? 5:01
current mood:  sad
current music: bic runga - Sway (Acoustic)
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4:10 pm - H E I S A N A S S H O L E
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"Why did you come back? More importantly, why did you ever leave?"
"I left so that I could come back."
Camp was good today. I'm hanging with Nick this week. He's so fun. He's definately someone that I would say needs a boy volunteer, though. Whatever.
I'm not letting myself think about **him** anymore. He is inconsiderate, and hurtful...and using me.
::Sarah::
current mood: Tears
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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| Sunday, July 29th, 2001
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3:53 pm - And here I go, losing my control, practising your name so I can say it to your face.
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I'd rather forget the days we spent than try to stay afloat in shallow water. Left alone to think, my mind has run wild. I'm holding on to nothing. Just a boy, in love with a girl that isn't me. I don't want to believe that he's using me...but he is. This makes me sick to my stomach. I can't think of anything else but how I wish that things were different...how I wish that he felt the same.
Nobody is perfect until you fall in love with them. I can't stand the time that we're apart. I can't stand the thoughts that he's out with others because I'm not interesting enough, not funny enough. It's the truth. He doesn't like me unless there's no one else around.
Then why do I want him so bad?
I just want to go to sleep and when I wake up, it has to be June. Let me start all over.
::Sarah::
current mood: heartbroken
current music: Sway- Bic Runga
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8:08 am - I know I don't deserve it...but the way I keep thinking, I have my mind set on a movie ending...he'll knock on my door and be madly in love. Forget her, all he can see is me.
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Sophomore year: I cut my hair. I made new friends. Nick D. gave me shit..."you've changed." He cut me loose.
Now: He had mad party last night...little straight-edge Nicky had a party. Bastard.
Last night: Didn't go to any parties. Didn't have any people over. Didn't go out. Ate way too much Chinese food with my mom and watched "The Family Man." Sent Ian an e-mail, then went to bed.
Today: Waiting for **him** to wake up. Then he'll come over. I'm supposed to call Ian...his away message says that he just went to bed...I don't want to wake him, no way. I'll talk to him later.
Shep is right, this summer woul suck if Ian wasn't around.
In 10 minutes: It's sunny out...time to start the cleaning....first, clean my room...then, take a shower....then take a nap out on the hammock.
Future: We'll see how long this lasts. I'm not predicting much. The only thing that could keep it going is a miracle, and well, although I've definately been shafted in the miracle department lately, I'm pretty sure none will come my way.
::Sarah::
current mood:  hopeful
current music: Yellow-Coldplay
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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| Friday, July 27th, 2001
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8:18 am - Please just let this be a total 180...
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If I had died last night, it would have been at my happiest...
...I was where I always have wanted to be.
I don't feel my desires changing. I don't want them to. I want to be frozen, unable to be brought back to reality and to what I know will happen and what I know he will say.
Meaningless? To him, yes. To me, never.
*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~
SM: "Don't worry, I'll never break your heart."
MF: "That's what she said. Then she dumped me. So HA!"
SM: "Well, I don't see us ever going out in the future, so I can say it."
MF: "That's because you don't like me."
What exactly does that mean? Thought we were just friends...that I'm totally not his type at all....that he'd never go for me....have things changed?
I don't know if I want them to change.
**Sarah**
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| Thursday, July 26th, 2001
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7:20 am - My itchy nose may not be referring to anyone else but me.
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Long over due. I missed you all. Thank God for last night. Thank God for you.
Liz and Beth, I love you more than anything. Thank you for not forgetting me.It's happened, and I just love you.
I have a dentist appt in 45 minutes. I need a shower. It's time to wash the left over tiki-juice out of my hair. Time to wash away the smell of cigarettes and Liz...to scrub away the happiness I find with you people. It's unique in that I feel like I'm not participating...just sitting....watching...and being on the outside is totally fine. Perfect.
Let me watch you forever.
When I do join the game, on those frequent occasions, I love it as well. I consume it. Live it.
Thanks Ian.
**Sarah**
p.s. Liz, you're shirt is in the wash!
current mood:  satisfied
current music: five for fighting - superman
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| Monday, July 23rd, 2001
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7:37 am - Wow.
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I really haven't written or been around for a while. This is what I've been up to for the past two weeks:
- Monday the 9th, I left for Mini Res (camping trip with camp.)
- Thursday 12th, returned from Mini Res, and went to see DC and Saves the Day.
- Friday, big fight with parents.
- Saturday, left for Wells, Maine for a family vacation with all my extended family for the week.
- Wednesday, came home for Prom Day, and stayed with Andrea for the rest of the week.
- Wed. night, saw Emily M...she looks a lot better than I expected her too. Thank God.
- Thursday, chilled with Erin, Andrea and Anj...I even talked to Mr. Miller.
- Friday, Practice overnight.
- Saturday, went up to Waterboro, ME.
- Sunday, came home.
I've been away for basically two weeks. But I still got to go to camp for most of it....thank God.
I just can't wait for something new. To rediscover old friendships, to go to ska shows!!! Even though they can suck a whole lot sometimes.
I can't wait for something positive!
But I suppose that all these bad experiences are making the summer go by slower...which is always good.
**Sarah**
Another good horoscope day.
He just signed off. Talking to him really does leave a bad taste in my mouth. A sour feeling in me, and I just get sad and feel bad.
current mood:  aggravated
current music: Again I go unnoticed
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(2 comments | comment on this)
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| Sunday, July 22nd, 2001
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10:31 pm
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AUGH.
How many times do I have to tell him that it meant more to me....that I like him more, and that he can't go around treating people the way he does?
AUGH.
My AOL is fucked....I wasn't home all day...apparantely I was online? Well it wasn't me. So if you IMed me and I didn't answer, I can promise you it wasn't me.
I've been away for the past two weeks. So thats why I haven't gotten back to anyone.
I love you all.
**Sarah**
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| Saturday, July 14th, 2001
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8:13 am - And I cried myself to sleep...
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Haven't written in a while.
Won't write for a while.
Starting over.
Thank you.
I'm sorry if you've taken a back seat, ever.
Life's fucked up and I'm trying to deal...
...I'm alive. My greatest accomplishment thus far.
**Sarah**
current music: five for fighting - superman
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(4 comments | comment on this)
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| Monday, July 9th, 2001
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7:41 am - Some pain doesn't heal, chicks don't dig some scars, some glory isn't the kind you want to last forever.
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I had fun last night. I did. I talked with some of the most amazing people that I've ever met. We talked about some of the most amazing people that I've ever met.
I don't want to be scarred to deep from this. I don't think I will be, it's just fleeting teenager stuff....but from here the view isn't clear and, all I can see is the pending rain. This feeling of being unloved is taking over...
...this is the first time I've felt totally out of control.
We'll see what happens.
A week away from him will make a big difference...two weeks will be even worse. Not in a good way...
...he'll have totally forgotten.
**Sarah**
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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| Sunday, July 8th, 2001
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11:50 pm - There's nothing I believe in more than my own insignificance.
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Greg and Matty just left my house. Good times.
Am I looking forward to going camping this week? Definately. Why? Because I need to get away from my family...my brothers are with me all the time...all they do is hover, just like tonight.
Ew I never want to see my brother even look at a girl again. Gross.
My heart was almost fixed....now it's back in pieces again. I don't even know what's going on!
**Sarah**
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(comment on this)
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| Thursday, July 5th, 2001
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11:41 pm - Wishing....
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...to stay up late...maybe (hopefully) tomorrow will never come.
...for things just to be normal.
...for Matty to not think I'm messed up....for our friendship to be left untouched.
...that I'd never left that letter.
**Sarah**
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| Wednesday, July 4th, 2001
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10:58 pm - Choices.
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So far, I've been the fixer-upper...people slip and fall, bust a knee or a heart, they come racing to me.
Now I want my chance to skate. But I don't just want to skate...I want to skate way out there to the island, and build a cool ass snow man on the other side...
...I go, skate over the the island, and I run the risk of the thin ice cracking...how easily I could slip under it, and get whisked away by the rushing river beneath...
...but I could also go and returned unharmed, and get to live with the all the fame and glory that comes accompanies building that huge snow man on the other side.
..or..I could stay. And watch...missing out on an opportunity to be the coolest kid in the town for one moment! To shine. To be in the light, wanted, desired, loved.
Skate or watch? Sink or swim?
Ding-dong-ditch?
I wish I could just take of my skates for a while, and take a step back...
...but there are no breaks in life. It always just keeps on going.
Sigh.
I want to skate without running the risk of falling in...
...but I don't want to switch over and skate in a skating rink, cause that just sucks. The other won't like it, but maybe that's just what we'll have to do. On my turf. In control.
As for now...I'm stuck with one of those ugly child-safety leashes wrapped around my wrist. I'm not going anywhere.
Fuck.
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| Tuesday, July 3rd, 2001
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11:08 pm - All I want to do is hide and seek and play, find and seek a way...
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How can it be so wrong for me to love these people? To not even know them enough to love them, but to know them enough to know that I want to love them.
What's it all about, what's it all about?
**Sarah**
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7:58 am - Catch-22
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So I started my summer reading over the weekend. We have to keep a journal for each of the books we read. Also I have to do an art project. If you've read Catch-22 let me know. Or post comments at livejournal.com/apenglish2001
Camp today. Thank God. This week I'm matched up with Zayma. She's the shit. She's a 7 1/2 year old girl, non-verbal and basically unresponsive. She laughs and smiles and makes noise, just not at anything in particular, and you can't do anything to make her laugh...she just kind of does it on her own. She's always on the move, in her stroller she twists all around and rocks back and forth and all around and she always has her finger in her mouth. When she walks, I usually have to support her, just because she is lazy. I know she can walk on her own, so I made her do it a lot yesterday...only because I know she can do it. My arms are sore, like after you've had a good work out and they're shaky...that was how they felt last night and today they're just sore. It's somewhat frustrating to work with Zayma, because she doesn't pay attention to what's going on around her.
She's such a cutie though, I'm glad I'm paired up with her this week.
Tomorrow's the 4th of July, which means it's the parade!!!!!! YES! I doubt that Mary will be there, because she's camping....and Billy's been having such bad behavior problems lately because of his new siezure meds that he prolly won't be in it, but maybe Jenna and Esther will walk with us!! YA!
Camp soon. I have to go wake up my brothers, then take a shower. I don't really need a shower, actually. Why bother. I'm clean. Sure.
But there's lip stick all over me. Thanks to Matty. He wrote "I <3 Arbol," "I <3 Camp," and "I <3 Arrowhead" on my face. I don't think it's ever going to come off!
**Sarah**
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| Monday, July 2nd, 2001
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5:05 pm - A boy named Rob
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Got a phone call.
- likes punk/ska
- works with kids with special needs
- does sports
- does drama
- is in concert choir
- has an eclectic group of friends
Perfect boy. His name is Rob. Yay.
**Sarah**
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| Sunday, July 1st, 2001
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12:55 pm - Let's release the love, we need a wonderful world.
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It's July.
We rang in July with Five O'Clock Shadow!
Yesterday was the most fun ever. It was a much needed night out. Liz and Beth and myself....we...
- Went to Anna's
- Walked 4 miles in the rain, and jumped on every puddle ever.
- Gave FOCS funny looks through the windows at the club.
- Got into an 18+ show.
- Got a kickass table.
- Got a kickass waitor.
- How bout a round of water for the FOCS boys?
- They only drink bottled water.
- Bought a FOCS cd.
- Covered my shirt with mp3.com stickers.
- Fell asleep.
- Made happy "aw" signs for when they dance.
- Made Bill a sign.
- SUSHI RHYMES WITH MUSHI.
- Listened to the best fucking people ever.
- Got some more stickers.
- Listened to the best fucking people ever.
- They sang off mic!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YA STACK!
During the show, I think each one of them made happy smiley eye contact with me. I love them so much.
The guy at Anna's is the shit. He's kinda scary, but he's my friend. Ya baby!
I'm wicked bummed...I can't go see FOCS again at the water part. Fuck me!
**Sarah**
current mood:  ecstatic
current music: focs-whats it all about
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